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Car Trouble:


A husband experiences some car
trouble and calls his wife at work.
Husband: "Hey honey, There's trouble with
the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Wife: "Water in the carburetor?
That's ridiculous."
Husband: "I tell you the car has water
in the carburetor."
Wife: "You don't even know what a
carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?
Husband: "In the pool."

Author Unknown



The Preacher and the Cabby:

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates
and announces his presence to St. Peter,
who looks him up in his Big Book.
Upon reading the entry for the cabby,
St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe
and a golden staff and to proceed
into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the
cabby and has been watching these
proceedings with interest.
He announces himself to St. Peter.
Upon scanning the preacher's entry in
the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his
brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in,
but take that cloth robe and
wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies,
"But I am a man of the cloth.
You gave that cab driver a gold staff
and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher
than a cabby."
St. Peter responded: "Here we are
interested in results.
When you preached, people slept.
When the cabby drove his taxi,
people prayed."

Author Unknown



A Cat Goes to Heaven:

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says,
"You have been a good cat all of
these years.
Anything you desire is yours, all
you have to do is ask."

The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life
with a poor family on a farm and
had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly,
a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in
a tragic accident and they go to
Heaven.
God meets them at the gate with
the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had
to run. Cats, dogs and even women
with brooms have chased us.
If we could only have a pair of roller
skates, we wouldn't have to
run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly,
each mouse is fitted with a beautiful
pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to
check and see how the cat is doing.
The cat is sound asleep on his new
pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks,
"How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and
says, "Oh, I've never been happier in
my life.
And those Meals on Wheels you've
been sending over are the best!"


Author Unknown



At a picnic for a church, a pastor
stacked a pile of apples on one
end of a table with a sign saying,
"Take only one apple please -
God is watching."
On the other end of the table
was a pile of cookies, on which
a second grader had placed a
sign on saying,
"Take all the cookies you want -
God is watching the apples."


Author Unknown




Animal Crackers:

A mother and her young son returned
from the grocery store and began
putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal
crackers and spread them all over
the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother
asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if
the seal is broken," the boy
explained.

"I'm looking for the seal."


Author Unknown



Coffee:

A married couple were arguing who is
making the coffee, the wife said
that in the Bible it says that men
should make the coffee and
the husband asked her where it
said that.

The wife opened the Bible and said:
"Right here in HEBREWS!"

Author Unknown

A Cup of Coffee:

A grandmother was surprised by
her 7 year old grandson one
morning.
He had made her coffee.
She drank what was the
worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there
were three of those little green army
men in the cup.
She said, "Honey, what are the army
men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part
of waking up is soldiers
( Folgers )
in your cup!'"

Author Unknown



Acts 2:38:

Another amazing Testimony to the
power of God's Word.
It really is more powerful than a
double-edged sword!

An elderly woman had just returned to
her home from an evening service when
she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables,
she yelled "Stop, Acts 2:38".

The burglar quickly turned around and
pointed his gun at her when she
yelled again "Stop, Acts 2:38".

Well this time the man stopped,
dead in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the Police
and explained what she had done.

As the Officer cuffed the man to take
him in, he asked him "Why did you
just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a
Scripture to you."

"Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed,
"I thought she said she had
an AX and 2 38s."

Author Unknown



Q and A:

Q. Where is the first baseball game
in the Bible?

A. In the big inning, Eve stole first,
Adam stole second.
Cain struck out Abel, and the
Prodigal Son came home.
The Giants and the Angels
were rained out.

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories,
and the top story had a window to
let light in, but how did they get
light to the bottom 2 stories?

A. They used floodlights.

Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?

A. He only had two worms!

Q. Who was the greatest financier
in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while
everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Why did Noah have to punish
and discipline the chickens
on the Ark?

A: They were using fowl language.

Q: How do we know that a lot of people
in the Bible used fertilizer?

A: Because they always said,
“Lettuce spray.” (Let us pray).


Q: How many evangelists does it take
to change a light bulb?


A: Only one, but the bulb must repent of
its darkness and be willing to be
changed.

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in
the Bible?

A: God drove Adam and Eve out of
the Garden in a Fury.
David’s Triumph was heard throughout
the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the
apostles were all in one Accord.

Author Unknown



Jesus and Satan were having an
argument about who managed to
get the most out of his computer.
This had been going on for days and
God was tired of hearing all of the
bickering.
God said, "Cool it. I am going to set
up a test that will run 2 hours and I will
judge who does the better job."

So down they sat at the keyboards
and typed away. They moused away.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote
reports. They sent faxes.
They sent out e-mail. They sent out
e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded. They made cards.
They did every known job.

But just a few minutes before the
2 hours were up lightening flashed
across the sky.
The thunder rolled and the rains came
down hard.
And of course the electricity went off.

Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed
and he ranted and raved.
The electricity stayed off. But after a bit
the rains stopped and the electricity
came back on.

Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the
power went off.
What am I going to do? What happened
to Jesus' work?"
Jesus just sat and smiled.

Again Satan asked about the work
that Jesus had done.
As Jesus turned his computer back
on, the screen glowed and when he
pushed "print," it was all there.

"How did he do it?" Satan asked.

God smiled and said,
"Jesus Saves."

Author Unknown



Actual misprints from
Church Bulletins:

The senior choir invites any member
of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

Thursday night-Potluck Supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.

Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.

The associate minister unveiled the
church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

At the evening service tonight, the
sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our
choir practice.

Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

Eight new choir robes are currently
needed, due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.

A bean supper will be held on Saturday
evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans,
bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.

Attend and you will hear an excellent
speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the
ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

As soon as the weather clears up,
the men will have a goof outing.

Next Sunday a special collection
will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something
on the carpet will come forward
and do so.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group
will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use back door.



The Painter:

A commercial building painter had
finished a large job and had plenty
of paint left over.

He went to his pastor and told him
that he would like to paint the church,
free of charge, as a thanksgiving
offering.

The pastor accepted and the man
started painting.
When he was about three-quarters
finished, he saw that he was going to
run out of paint, so he thinned the paint
with water.
Finally, he started painting again,
and had to thin the paint even more
to finish the job.

Upon completion, he stood back
and looked at the church.
It looked great. He was certain that no
one would ever know that he had thinned
the paint.

That night there was a heavy rainstorm,
and the painter was afraid that the
thinned paint would wash off.

At the crack of dawn he raced
over to the church and, sure enough,
the storm had washed off some of
the paint. The church looked
terrible.

The man didn't know what to do so
he went into the church and started
praying: "Dear God, I am terribly sorry
for trying to cheat you and the church.
What should I do?" There was complete
silence for a few moments and then
the man heard a voice:
"Repaint and thin no more!"


Author Unknown



Did you hear the one about the
minister that went to go see the lady?

He sat there and talked to her,
saw a bowl of peanuts and asked:

"Do you mind if I have some peanuts?
She said:  "That would be fine."

They talked, and before he knew
it, he had eaten all the peanuts.

He said: "I'm sorry, I ate all
your peanuts."

She said: "That's okay, since I lost all
my teeth, all I can do is suck
off all the chocolate anyway."

Author Unknown



A preacher trained his horse to go
when he said " Praise the Lord "
and to stop when he said " Amen "
The preacher mounted the horse and
said "Praise the Lord " and went for a ride.
When he wanted to stop for lunch ,
he said " "Amen."
He took off again saying " Praise the Lord "
The horse started going toward the
edge of a cliff. The preacher got scared
and said " whoa " whoa !
Then he remembered and said " Amen "
and the horse stopped at the edge
of the cliff.
The preacher was so relieved and grateful
that he looked up to heaven and
said " Praise the Lord ! "


Author Unknown



One Liner Funnies:

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged
with battery.

Shin: A device for finding furniture
in the dark.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense
of humor.

A bicycle can't stand on its own
because it's two-tired.

Wear short sleeves. Support your
right to bare arms.