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Car Trouble:

A husband experiences some car
trouble and calls his wife at work.
Husband: "Hey honey, There's trouble with
the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Wife: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Husband: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Wife: "You don't even know what a
carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
Husband: "In the pool."

Author Unknown




The Preacher and the Cabby:

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates
and announces his presence to St. Peter,
who looks him up in his Big Book.
Upon reading the entry for the cabby,
St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe
and a golden staff and to proceed
into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the
cabby and has been watching these
proceedings with interest.
He announces himself to St. Peter.
Upon scanning the preacher's entry in
the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his
brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in,
but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies,
"But I am a man of the cloth.
You gave that cab driver a gold staff
and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded: "Here we are
interested in results.
When you preached, people slept.
When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

Author Unknown




A Cat Goes to Heaven:

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says,
"You have been a good cat all of these years.
Anything you desire is yours, all
you have to do is ask."

The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life
with a poor family on a farm and
had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly,
a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in
a tragic accident and they go to Heaven.
God meets them at the gate with
the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had
to run. Cats, dogs and even women
with brooms have chased us.
If we could only have a pair of roller
skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly,
each mouse is fitted with a beautiful
pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to
check and see how the cat is doing.
The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks,
"How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and
says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life.
And those Meals on Wheels you've
been sending over are the best!"


Author Unknown



At a picnic for a church, a pastor stacked a pile
of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying,
"Take only one apple please - God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of
cookies, on which a second grader had placed a
sign on saying,
"Take all the cookies you want -
God is watching the apples."


Author Unknown




Adam & Eve:

The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully
explained in the children's Sunday School class.

Following the story, the children were asked to draw
some picture that would illustrate the story.

Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with 3 people
in it.
In the front seat was a man and in the back seat,
a man and a woman.

The teacher was at a loss to understand how this
illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.
Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation.
"Why, this is God driving Adam
and Eve out of the garden!"




Animal Crackers:

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery
store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread
them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,"
the boy explained.

"I'm looking for the seal."


Author Unknown



Coffee:

A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee,
the wife said that in the Bible it says that men
should make the coffee and the husband asked
her where it said that.

The wife opened the Bible and said:
"Right here in HEBREWS!"

Author Unknown


A Cup of Coffee:

A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning.
He had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were 3 of those
little green army men in the cup.

She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my
coffee?"
Her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up
is soldiers
( Folgers )
in your cup!'"

Author Unknown



Acts 2:38:

Another amazing Testimony to the power of God's Word.
It really is more powerful than a double-edged sword!

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an
evening service when
she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home
of its valuables,
she yelled "Stop, Acts 2:38".

The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun
at her when she
yelled again "Stop, Acts 2:38".

Well this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the Police
and explained what she had done.

As the Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him
"Why did you
just stand there? All the old lady did was yell
a Scripture to you."

"Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed,
"I thought she said she had an AX and 2 38s."

Author Unknown



Q and A:

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

A. In the big inning, Eve stole first,
Adam stole second.
Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home.
The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had
a window to let light in, but how did they get
light to the bottom 2 stories?

A. They used floodlights.

Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?

A. He only had two worms!

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.

Q: Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the
chickens on the Ark?

A: They were using fowl language.

Q: How do we know that a lot of people in the Bible
used fertilizer?

A: Because they always said, “Lettuce spray.”
(Let us pray).

Q: Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?

A: Because Noah was always standing on the deck.

Q: What kind of car does Jesus typically drive?

Answer: A Christler.

Q: How many evangelists does it take to change a
light bulb?


A: Only one, but the bulb must repent of its darkness and
be willing to be changed.

Q: How do groups of angels greet each other?
A: Halo, halo, halo!

Q: Who do mice pray to?
A: Cheesus.


 
Q: How do we know that cars are in the New Testament?

A: Because Jesus was a car-painter
(carpenter).

Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A: God drove Adam and Eve out of
the Garden in a Fury.
David’s Triumph was heard throughout
the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the
apostles were all in one Accord.


Author Unknown



Actual misprints from
Church Bulletins:

The senior choir invites any member of the
congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and
medication to follow.

Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house.
Bring your husbands.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will
be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
church and the community.

A bean supper will be held on Saturday
evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items
to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Attend and you will hear an excellent
speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

As soon as the weather clears up,
the men will have a goof outing.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to
defray the cost of the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the carpet will
come forward and do so.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group
will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use back door.



The Painter:

A commercial building painter had finished a large
job and had plenty of paint left over.

He went to his pastor and told him that he would like
to paint the church, free of charge, as a thanksgiving
offering.

The pastor accepted and the man started painting.
When he was about 3-quarters finished, he saw
that he was going to run out of paint, so he
thinned the paint with water.
Finally, he started painting again, and had to thin
the paint even more to finish the job.

Upon completion, he stood back and looked
at the church.
It looked great. He was certain that no one would ever
know that he had thinned the paint.

That night there was a heavy rainstorm, and the painter
was afraid that the thinned paint would wash off.

At the crack of dawn he raced over to the church
and, sure enough, the storm had washed off some of
the paint. The church looked terrible.

The man didn't know what to do so he went into the
church and started praying: "Dear God, I am terribly
sorry for trying to cheat you and the church.
What should I do?" There was complete silence for a
few moments and then the man heard a voice:
"Repaint and thin no more!"


Author Unknown



The Bible Answer:

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't
find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 100 times.
If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
"Forgive us our Trespasses".

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
"Lead us not into Temptation".




Did you hear the one about the minister that went
to go see the lady?

He sat there and talked to her, saw a bowl of
peanuts and asked:

"Do you mind if I have some peanuts?
She said:  "That would be fine."

They talked, and before he knew it, he had eaten
all the peanuts.

He said: "I'm sorry, I ate all your peanuts."

She said: "That's okay, since I lost all my teeth, all
I can do is suck off all the chocolate anyway."

Author Unknown



A preacher trained his horse to go when he said
" Praise the Lord " and to stop when he said " Amen ".

The preacher mounted the horse and said
"Praise the Lord " and went for a ride.
When he wanted to stop for lunch , he said " "Amen."

He took off again saying " Praise the Lord "
The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff.
The preacher got scared and said " whoa " whoa !
Then he remembered and said " Amen " and the horse
stopped at the edge of the cliff.

The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked
up to heaven and said " Praise the Lord ! "


Author Unknown



One Liner Funnies:

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder.


Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms.

Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It’s not stroganoff.