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   Walking:

As often as possible, dark quickly and as close
as possible in front of the human, especially on
stairs, when they have something in their arms,
in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
This will help their coordination skills.


   Bedtime:
Always sleep on the human at night so they
can't move around.

   Toys:
Any small item is a potential toy.
If a human tries to confiscate it, that means
that it is a good toy.
Run with it under the bed.
Look suitably outraged when the human grabs
you and takes it away.

Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins
are generally good for playing hockey with
on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains
also make good toys.


   Food:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play,
a cat must eat.
Eating is half the fun.
The other half is getting the food.
Convincing the human that you are starving to
death and must be fed "Now".

Table scraps are delicacies with which the
humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part.
There are techniques to ensure that the humans
don't forget you exist.

These include:
Jumping onto the lap of the human and purring
loudly, laying down in the path of the human in
the kitchen,
the direct stare, and twining around people's
legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
And last but not least, try to steal some food
of the human's plate while looking adorable.


   Bathroom:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.


   Chairs and Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you can't manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you
back up so that it is as long as the human's foot.


   Doors:
Do not allow closed doors in any room.
To get the door opened, stand on hind legs
and hammer with your front paws.
After you opened the bathroom door,
stand halfway in and out and stare at the human.
This makes the human pay attention to you.


   Humans:
Humans have 3 primary functions:
To feed us, to play with and give attention to us,
and to clean the litter box.
It is important to maintain one's dignity when
around humans so that they will not forget who
is the master of the house.
Humans need to know the basic rules.
They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.


  Remember:
Make sure you pay attention to the human as well,
because they need you as much as you need them.
When the human is not feeling well, jump up
on their lap and purr while looking adorable. 

You will then have a smooth running household.


- Author Unknown


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